Today I got some devastating news from a loved one who has been experiencing extraordinary difficulties this year. Her pain was palpable.
It brought into clear focus the reality that life is painful. There’s no way we can avoid it.
And yet, there’s a distinction between types of pain that I think is worth remembering in moments like these.
Clean pain vs dirty pain.
Clean pain and dirty pain are concepts that originated in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Clean pain is the unavoidable part of difficult experiences – such as sadness when a relationship ends or grief when we lose a loved one.
It can even be physical like the knot you feel in your stomach when you hear bad news or a migraine.
Dirty pain is the pain we experience (or create) as a way to avoid clean pain.
Dirty pain is the loneliness you feel because you avoid getting close to people so you don’t get hurt. Or staying in a job that makes you miserable to avoid the potential rejection involved with job hunting.
Or thinking and thinking about changing your habits, but never doing anything to avoid potential “failure.”
Clean pain is unavoidable. It’s part of life. It’s the pain of going through something difficult.
Dirty pain is going around it. And it keeps us stuck.
I also see clean pain as a symptom of growth.
For example, it may be painful to say “no” to someone or to stop drinking at night. But it’s temporary pain because you know going through it leads to better results.
Dirty pain is the chronic pain of staying in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs. Or living with the emotional and physical consequences of drinking too much.
Clean pain is a part of life. It’s also a part of growth.
The question is…. are you willing to accept and experience clean pain?
And stop creating dirty pain to avoid it?
